Out On A Limb

So, here's the novel-esque explanation of what has been going on in the employment area of my life...if you'd rather not read this confusing twist and turn-ish story, then you should probably "X" out right now, because I can't promise this will be the most sensible thing I've ever written. But, I felt I should update everyone on my plans or lack there of, for next year. Here it goes...

As all of you know I currently teach Special Education Preschool at an elementary school in Greenfield, and have been re-offered the position for next year at full-time. With a bit of a catch though...I must complete 6 hours toward my Special Education Masters Degree. Ok, ok, not really what I wanted to do, but I considered it, however I kept getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach saying, it's not what you want to do, just don't do it. I've been pushing that feeling away for awhile now and really banking on the fact that something else would come along. Wrong! So far, really none of the school districts around have posted any jobs that are actually available to anyone outside their districts, I've heard that doesn't happen until mid-summer-how lovely! But, there were many openings in my own district that I applied for and thought oh yay, I'm an internal applicant, so I'll be a shoe in! Wrong again (and gosh I hate being wrong!).

Well, weeks had gone by and I hadn't heard anything and then finally a position was posted for a first grade teacher at the very school where I teach...perfect! I talked to the principal and she said she wanted to meet with me to discuss it, etc. Another principal also joined her from another school interviewing me for a kindergarten position. He was kind of a grump and grilled me like a drill seargent, but nevertheless I felt I answered everything pretty well and thoroughly. So this Friday will be a week from that and today I asked my principal when I might be hearing something...
She explained that there is a job fair this upcoming Monday for all other applicants to come to and that they would be interviewed then. She said they were still interviewing other applicants for the position. She also asked me if I had signed up for my special education classes yet. She really acted as if she couldn't tell me much at all.

I was glad she left quickly because I had to get myself together quickly. I immediately teared up and wanted to just run out of the school. What was going on? (Not to sound conceited) But, I had heard nothing but positive reviews from the special education department heads, team teachers, and even the principal-so why was I being passed up for a job in my OWN school and not even being told why? Isn't it just every school's policy that they hire from within before ever looking out unless the only candidates they had to choose from weren't worthy?
I can't seem to understand. And, no I'm not one of those people who think they're doing a decent job of teaching and really aren't-I mean, I am evaluated all of the time-or else I wouldn't be so sure and in turn confused!

The only thing I can come up with is that it is school politics and perhaps they already have someone lined up to take that job that has the "in".

So, what have I decided? I have decided that I will not be going back next year to the Special Education Preschool teaching position, because it isn't what I love and why do what you don't love? I really don't enjoy getting hit, kicked, punched, and bitten on a daily basis and my friends, that's a lot of what being a special education teacher is all about. No, that's not ALL it's about and I really have cherished the experience. But I miss things like reading, writing, math, science...all things that just aren't possible in a preschool curriculum. I know it's not the right place for me, so why stay just because it's a job that's already secured for me?
No, I'm not 100% sure that I didn't get the first grade job, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that's what she was saying. It breaks my heart because I truly think she is an amazing principal and it's a great school.

Please pray for me as I'm truly taking a leap of faith here and trusting in God to provide a place for me to teach next year. It's hard not to be negative or down about it all, but I just have to remember that there are better things planned for me than I know and that everything is a preparation for something else, something better.

And so the job hunt goes...!