What Just Happened?

I had a feeling my day was going downhill already moments after opening my inbox this morning upon arrival at school. Let me explain. Each morning we receive a sub list, of those who will not be at OP for the day, my assistant was on this list. Ok, not normally a big deal except for, the sub for her was named Albert. Albert? What the heck. I guess my husband's name is Howard, but he also isn't a substitute for an assistant in an elementary school. So, I tried not to be negative, but I did trudge around grumpily getting things together to explain our ever so hectic day to this unknown man, named Albert. I secretly wondered if he would be fat? (Ok, that was mean, but how can you not associate Albert with Fat Albert?)
And then at about 8:10, 10 minutes later than he was to arrive, Albert strolls in. Not who I pictured really. He was a tall, heavier built, African American man smelling of cocoa butter. I swear, the scent of cocoa butter was so strong it nearly made me nautious. He was nice and had a good handshake, but that right there is really the high point of the day...
Things in the morning went OK-I kept him busy, mostly out of the classroom cutting, stringing beads, crafting, pulling kids out to work with, etc. By the time I knew it, lunch had rolled around...half of the day done with Albert I thought. Well, after lunch I received a report from another assistant that during his lunch duty he had texted on his phone basically the whole time and actually LEFT the lunch room three times to take phone calls. Who are you that you need to take a phone call while on the job? Unless you are a diva like Beyonce, you need to get a clue. Not happening. Strike 1. (Well no, actually strike 1 was smelling like cocoa butter and making me want to puke...so correction, strike 2.)
Then, during our writing time I told him he could help me hover around the room assisting students with help spelling words, etc. if they needed it. He seemed to understand, BUT this must have been too boring for Albert who obviously had a different agenda. Clearly more important than writing about snowmen. So, he asked me if he thought it would be OK if he logged on to a computer for a bit. I almost choked and laughed out loud, but instead I'm sure I just looked confused. I told him the computers were already logged on? He told me then that he had his own login to the system and I said, ummm OK. If this man were already dumb enough to ask if he could get on the computer while on the job-I figured what the heck, do whatever. So he logged on, checked his email, and then...this is the icing on the cake...he put the headphones on and listened to some rap music from a website he was on. Are you serious? I could not believe this were really happening, I almost had to pinch myself, but then I realized I was already in enough pain! As we were lining up to go to Specials, bless his heart, he decided to line up with us! But relieved again to have him out of my hair, I was just glad he was gone.
Less than an hour with Albert...I can do it! When they returned from Specials I explained to him all that would be going on for the remaining time...I guess I must have said something wrong because he immediately looked very concerned. He said that he was informed the job ended at 2. I told him that was clearly wrong since we do not dismiss the children until 2:25. He did not like this and protested for a few minutes, until I told him that he was wrong, and I was right! Well, not exactly like that, but I let him know he was mistaken. So, during our dinosaur movie, he walked down to the office and even questioned the secretary about the time he could leave. I really wish I knew who this person was or how cool he must be for having such an awesome life to get back to, so cool that he threw a fit for having to stay 25 minutes longer. She reassured him that he was wrong as well. Poor Albert. Luckily dismissal time came quickly and I was finally able to rid myself of this creepo.

PHEW. Needless to say I reported this all to the secretary who then emailed the lady in charge of all substitutes in Carmel Schools. I think it's safe to say I won't be seeing Albert anytime soon.